Cool as a Cucumber (or Not)

What is the way to go?  

Every book tells people something different: Don't show your crazy jealous side or the boy will go running.....  If you show that you don't care at all that won't work either.... Don't let a guy disrespect you, make sure you call them out on it.... Don't let a guy know he hurt your feelings or you will look weak.

Okay People.... WHAT!??!?!?!?!? 

It seems to me that maybe there is a healthy medium between being ABSOLUTELY BONKERS and getting jealous about everything... and the opposite which would be not showing any sort of emotion at all, essentially. 

I feel as though everyone always says "don't show you are jealous, don't act like a crazy person," anyone that has read the book Why Men Love Bitches, Sherry Argov ALSO says:

"When you react emotionally, it gives him a feeling of control. And if you react emotionally frequently, over time he will come to see you as less of a mental challenge. If he can’t predict how you’ll always react, you remain a challenge."

I'd imagine if you act completely insane all the time, eventually your man is going to get sick of your screaming fits of RAGE.  Constantly yelling, constantly jealous is not a way to keep a healthy relationship.  That will only drive him away. 

FAIL!!!!

But then look at the other side of the spectrum.  What about a girl who doesn't care about anything, is always fine with anything that happens no matter what, and never challenges the guy at all?  Then, it's as if there is no emotional connection at all.

For Example, in the movie "He's just not that into you," Gigi goes to a party at her crush's house  (Justin Long) and ends up running around, making zip, helping HOST the party like she is her crush's little sister or something.  At the end of the party it is her, her crush, and ANOTHER GIRL sitting on the couch playing video games.  The crush is completely not into her, he sees her as this friend, no emotional connection at all.  This hurts her feelings and she doesnt understand WHY he doesn't get it.  Well: How would he get it if he has no idea she is angry?  She never speaks her mind and he does not know how she feels.

She sat around ALL night at this party, waiting to be the LAST one left, not letting him know that he annoyed her that he was flirting with other girls all night, and then at the end of the night when she finally said something, it completely caught him off guard and backfired in her face

Him: Hey, thanks for staying 


and helping me clean up.  

I really gotta go to bed.






Her: Is that an invitation?


Him: What?

FAIL!!!!!

So.... being crazy jealous is no good...... being the "cool friend" does not work.....  I guess something in the middle would be best, and picking your battles when necessary.

Samantha in Sex & The City seems to do it well.  Not getting jealous openly however putting her men in their place when necessary.  Maybe we all need to take lessons from Samantha.  

Thoughts!?

Friends are like wine (Sometimes)

The past week has been a very enlightening one to me.  It brings the quote to mind that goes something like:

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."


or


"Some friends come and go like seasons. Others are arranged in our lives for good reason."


After an amazing trip to LA I reflected upon my journey with new friends and my opportunity to see some old friends while I was out there (to be quite frank, one of my first friends in the whole wide world) and it was really crazy to see the past and present and potential future all collide before my eyes like a spin art project, paint of all colors flying everywhere.

I guess I am one of those people that have a lot of "friends."  That word is relative to whomever is using it of course.  Many of my friends could be considered more of acquaintances I suppose, however,  I feel as if they are a part of my life and I enjoy them being in my life, that is a friend to me.  Nonetheless, no matter how many friends I have any regardless of how old or new they are, people that make me smile day in and day out are the nearest and dearest things to my heart.


So, having lunch with my first friend in the whole wide world was definitely the best gift I have received in a long time, and sharing it with my new friend in my life was even more great.  It really was a magical moment for me.


Returning home, back to reality, I had the opportunity tonight to sit with two other very important people in my life, my roommate and my very good friend my graduate school.  My roommate and I had a chance to catch up which was nice because it seems that no matter how close we are in proximity, our lives are always on different paths and we are constantly striving to get together to actually spend quality time with one another.  So, tonight was really great for that reason.  


Tonight we talked a lot about family.  And the conclusion that I  came to tonight is that family, is an integral part of every person's life.  It can not be ignored no matter how wonderful a support system it is, or no matter how burdensome or hurtful those people may be, it is your family and ultimately inescapable.  Family is a different category from friends.  I wish that every person's family could be as accepting, supportive, and loving as mine is, but at the end of the day, your family will never change and you have to love the relationships for what they are.  Some people get those qualities that I am so fortunate to receive from my family, from other places, and that is okay too. It is just really important to understand that every family dynamic is different, and those relationships are never going to go away so its critical to embrace it for what it is, and identify with it. 


My friend from school and I had an amazing evening together.  I call her my intellectual friend, for the reason that we can sit for hours and talk about nothing, yet at the end of the conversation I feel fulfilled in some way, as if we just debated politics or moral ethics.  We really have a connection unlike I have with many other people, and its always quite refreshing to spend time with her, no matter how much time creeps in between our visits, as she is no longer close in proximity.

So, what I think this week has served up on a silver platter for me to digest is that relationships are all unique.  Some are short lived.  Some are more of a journey, whether it is a good one or bad one depends on the people involved.  Some are more of a quest, often short lived, with a sort of mission to accomplish at the end.  And some, are a sort of  cosmic, magnetic attraction that will never go away, you are stuck with these people for the rest of your life and no matter what you do, they will never leave your side.


Goodnight Friends, Near, Far, Old Young... Love You <3    

Mistaken....

I’m mistaken for a flirt when I’m friendly. I’m mistaken for being mean when I’m blunt. I’m mistaken for sad when I’m not among others. I’m mistaken for shy when I’m quiet... 
Assuming gets you nowhere... 


Don't get me wrong... I love to people watch, however, along with people watching comes assumptions.  Those assumptions are probably a good 70-85% incorrect most of the time.


One thing in graduate school that we studied was interpersonal communications, the interactions between two people.  This included verbal communications in the form of words, but not only that, also the non verbal cues that went along with that communication and also the way things are said, not just the actual words. 


Considering I studied these cues for a few years and have read a significant number of scientific studies related to this work, I still find myself interpreting people inaccurately at times, which leads me to believe others most likely do the same in many situations.


Look at the faces below.... assume what you wish... but that doesn't mean it is really what they are trying to portray or how they are actually feeling.

This little kid looks like he is having the time of his life.  We assume he is happy as ever.  That is probably an accurate assumption but never 100% for sure. 

Our Favorite Man Men Character here looks cool calm and collected - but he is kind of hard to read, he could be angry, tired, focused, interested in something he is looking at, bored, this can be easily mistaken for something else without investigating further... 

Look at this chick.... one would think it's quite evident that she is devastated/sad over something.  But put that face in a different setting, say, a wedding, and she could be showing happy tears.  You just never know, that's the point.  


Never Assume Anything.... take the extra steps to ask and find out. 

Is he just not that into you?

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. 
~ He's just not that into you 


When do you stop pretending something is going to come out of nothing? 


But then again.... sometimes love can't find you unless you let yourself be vulnerable.  Putting up walls doesn't mean being strong.  Walking away because it's the right thing to do doesn't necessarily mean it IS the right thing to do.  Rather, it oftentimes is a sign of weakness.  So, where do you go from here? 

The One Sided Love Affair

I post about Rachel Wilkerson's blog a lot.... this one resonated with me today.... Thanks R.W.!!!!
Rule # 15: Love that which lets you love it.

She says: Even if you don’t gush like I do, I’m willing to bet you do get excited about certain things, in your own way. And I think a really good rule to live by is to only pursue that which allows you to be excited.


Here’s the thing: it’s easy to make decisions on what excites us, and that’s totally not a bad thing. But when you’re approaching school, career, guys, or, well, life, being excited is simply not enough. I’ve learned this year that really feeling happy and satisfied comes from finding a perfect fit because that excitement is mutual.


It’s a difficult rule to apply to dating, but when you do, I’m telling you, you will be SO much happier. So often, girls get so excited about guys (we’re delusional, we know) and the guys are just so “Whatever” about it. A good guy (or girl!) will not be “Whatever” about you — that person will be all about you. And, more important, they will let you be excited about them.

For example, look at this cute little kid....  he LOVES that little kitten.... notice the kitten running in the complete opposite direction.  that kitten has no intentions of turning around at all.  He's headed for the hills! 

When it comes to dating, this is something people tend to have trouble with: finding someone you're really interested in, but making sure they feel the same way.  I have decided to call this the ever so tragic one-sided love affair... you are absolutely head over heels infatuated with someone who just simply does not feel the same way.  

Sometimes, this appears to be the case but is not... but more often this actually is the case and it's a matter of identifying it, and then deciding what to do from there.  A person can accept the fact that he or she loves her significant other more than she is loved in return, but will we ever be satisfied with that?  In Rachel's words, how does one get excited about being with someone who is not excited back?

Will the light ever come in in their heads?  Will they ever realize what they have standing in front of them?  Maybe their feelings will change?  Likely not... if they don't have that attraction, then unless something drastically changes, the person can't force them self to feel something that is not there.  And what if someday, the person gets that intense sense of attraction toward someone else instead, then what?

Call me a hopeless romantic but I have faith that in time I will meet someone who sweeps me off my feet, and that will be truly exciting for both of us.  

That brutal desire.

by Nicholas Magesis

Stella: Stanley’s always smashed things…On our wedding night he rushed about the
place and smashed all of the light bulbs out in the apartment with the heel of my slipper.
Blanche: He did whatttt?
Stella: (Giggling) “He smashed all of the light bulbs out with the heel of my slipper.”
Blanche: And you let him!?!? You didn’t run away? Didn’t scream??
Stella: (grinning ear to ear) I was actually soft of thrilled by it!
(Blanche stares at her in disbelief)
- A Streetcar Named Desire.

This is a scene from the film A Streetcar Named Desire. These lines are said directly after the most memorable scene of the story, where Stanley Kowalski (Marlon Brando) is screaming his wife’s name repeatedly until she comes back down the stairs and launches herself into his arms. Brando in this scene is drenched in water and his own blood, his clothes are tattered to pieces and he is weeping uncontrollably. Moments before, he had just hit his pregnant wife several times in the face with a closed fist, all because she attempted to throw his friends out of their home. He is filled with complete and utter self loathing for what he had just done to his wife, and rightly so. Despite all of this, Stella still cannot bear to be without him. The look of hypnotized love on her face as she descends the staircase to console her kneeling, weeping husband is so poignant that it gives me chills every time I see or read it. If there ever was a way to look up the phrase “Love is blind” in the dictionary, this scene would be played on repeat.

In spite of his glaring faults, Stanley Kowalski has a lot of redeeming qualities as a human being. He’s a veteran of the Second World War, has a decent job, possesses a sizeable intellect and is quite charismatic. This on top of being incredibly good looking and being the poster boy for Type A personalities around the world. But it’s that attraction, that carnal desire which is what draws Stella back to Stanley time and time again. He is her first love, her only love, and she is almost morbidly fixated upon him.

Now even though that may sound bad (as morbid is never, ever used in any kind of positive connotation), it’s really not if you give their fixation of one another a close look. That kind of je’ne se quois love comes around once in a lifetime if you’re lucky, and you better fuckin hold on for dear life if you find it. And that’s what Blanche could never understand, as she’s never truly loved like her sister and brother in law. All of her lover’s have been weak minded, witless feeble young men. Even Harold (Karl Malden’s character) who is slightly older than Blanche but is still a very innocent, naïve man that still lives with his dying mother. Hence why Blanche is so smitten with him; she sees him as just another one of her victims to weave her web of deceit on to entrap them into her self entitled Hotel Tarantula. But because she was able to manipulate all of her lovers into her very own marionettes, she never could truly love anyone. To quote her most famous line, which was then regurgitated repeatedly by the promiscuous character on the Golden Girls who took her name : “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers”.
As Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys so eloquently sings….
“I don’t wanna go to hell, but if I do….
It’ll be cuz of you.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OPeAEnWg1g

What's Your Resolution?

All of these were found in a Yahoo News Article.... 

Kim Kardashian

"I want to try to be single my whole year of being 30," Kardashian told Rachael Ray. "I've never just dated and done whatever I wanted. I've made a promise to myself and I'm really trying hard to stick to it, but I'm such a hopeless romantic that it's hard."

Jack Black
His resolution is in line with most of America - he wants to lose weight. Jack says, "My New Year's resolution is to drop 50 (pounds)"

Anderson Cooper
CNN's Cooper may have a very successful career, but his New Year's resolution is all personal. "I guess to be a better friend to my friends." he told Bravo, according to ABC.

What is your new years resolution?

It seems that the most common topics include Weight Loss.... Love... and Money.

Find a New Job.... Get a Raise.... Lose 20 pounds by spring break.... Get a new Boyfriend... Breakup with the current Boyfriend.... etc etc etc....

Anderson Cooper's stopped me in my tracks.  I don't think I have ever really considered a New Year's Resolution that focuses on someone else rather than on Me.  Most things I think about are things I want to change in relation to me, of course they often times affect others, but to say you want to do something that directly affects the people around you, possibly even more than it affects yourself, that is pretty major.  I like it!  

My New Years Resolution is just to keep on truckin'...... stay doing what I am doing.... keep my head on straight.... and keep focus on my goals.  Setting ridiculous goals that are unobtainable is just silly and unrealistic.  I know what I want, I just need to remain focused on it and never lose motivation.

What about You?